Between Expectations and Freedom: My Dilemma About Marriage

 I'm here today. Between the lines, we are going to talk about marriage. Marriage is a custom that should be accomplished; at least society says so. It's a social custom everyone follows, and everybody is expected to follow it. Because of that, if someone is not following it, people harass them mentally. People harass their parents and the whole family because of that. It's a kind of mental pressure everyone experiences in their life, and this is happening with me as well.

Since yesterday I have had arguments with my family, and I think it happens with everyone who is at the age of marriage, whether it is a boy or a girl. Family has their own expectations about us, and they show their love through their expectations. What they want is that their children should get married. They should have babies, and then they have more expectations, like the babies will grow and then the kids of the kids will also get married.

Here we can see a loop in our expectations; our expectations never end. I think at some point in time we should stop and think about it: why are we expecting so much from others, from situations, and from this world?

For most of us, marriage is a milestone, an accomplishment that everyone must achieve, and it should happen on time. But I don't think it's a necessity. You could stay single too. Everyone has their own choice, freedom, style, and choice of being single, but the problem is that society doesn't want it. Society loves the system, and the system is to get married on time.

When something happens beyond that, something unexpected, society makes it a big problem. They put constant pressure on the parents and the family, and because of that societal pressure and also from their own expectations, family and parents create extra expectations for their kids. That's what I'm suffering from now. My family wants me to get married soon. They have been wanting it for several years, but I'm not really ready, financially as well as emotionally, and I'm not able to make them understand this situation.

The pressure of society on them may not be loud, but it is constant, and they pressurize us to get married. Parents want security and happiness for their children; that's a normal expectation. But what about the choices of the kids? What about the freedom of choice of the kids? That should also be considered.

Parents' timeline was different from ours; there is a generation gap. They think children should get married on time, but it's not necessary. Everyone has their own path, their own way, and their own point of view, and they move forward on it.

Marriage is not something that you should do without thinking. It's a responsibility. Everyone knows it. We should be financially stable before getting married, and I am being practical here about myself. I haven't achieved enough financial stability to get married and to carry the responsibility of a wife. That's why I am not ready for marriage, and my family is not able to understand what I want. The situation is getting stressful for all of us.

Financial stability matters for long-term peace and happiness. What if I get married and I have no money? What if I cannot support my wife? That's going to be another trouble for her, for me, and for everyone. Then the struggle of living and surviving becomes irritating and stressful, and conflicts happen between couples. I don't want that kind of trap.

People may say that's life, that's how it goes on, but for me it's stupidity. If you don't have financial stability, why are you getting into such a responsibility which you are not going to carry?

Here is a funny thing. My family thinks that I am stupid, that I don't want to marry. But for me, if I follow them and enter into marriage without financial stability, I'm going to be stupid myself. I don't want to be like that. Without a proper goal, I'm not going to get into marriage, and that's what hurts them the most.

Parents feel constant pressure from society. That's one thing. And they have their own expectations from their children. That's another thing. They want their children to get married. They even want grandchildren, and they want their grandchildren to grow, and then for those grandchildren to get married as well. Here we see there is a loop of expectations. Expectations never end until death.

Somewhere, at some point in life, we should stop and think about it. Expectation is the mother of misery. If something is not going to happen as we want, we should stop expecting. It's not necessary at all.

Marriage is also not an obligation but a system. Sometimes it won't work out. It's better to be single rather than in a messed-up situation of a wrong marriage. Not every marriage is a happy marriage. There are a lot of couples who are not happy with each other, who are not happy with their financial conditions. There are hundreds of reasons for their unhappiness, and I don't want to get into that trap without any preparation.

That's my dilemma, but my parents don't want to understand it. They think differently, and they are not able to understand me, and I am failing to make them understand what I want and what I am thinking practically.

Let's talk about expectations from the family and about respect. Here we have so much respect for our elders that we fear disappointing our family. We don't want to disappoint our parents, and we struggle with saying no. There are a lot of people who cannot say no directly, and they fall into this situation of getting married because their parents want it.

It's like people get married because their parents want it; they themselves don't want it. It becomes a burden for them, for both of the couple, if they are not happy with the marriage. It becomes a constant struggle because they never wanted the partner their parents chose for them.

That marriage becomes a tragedy, and I don't know why many parents bring their children into such tragedies just because of societal pressure. It makes the situation worse. The children can't say no to their parents because it hurts them. It creates an inner conflict for the children.

Here we must understand that respect is one thing and someone's independence and independent choice are another thing. Sometimes they come into conflict.

Usually we have a fixed timeline in our society for life events. Our culture has made it like that. But it's not necessary to follow it. People think someone should get married at 20, 25, or 30.

I have heard one funny thing about China. If there is a girl who is more than 24 years old, they call her "leftover." That's really strange. I really wonder how a girl at the age of 24 can be considered a leftover. She is still a valuable and appreciable human being, yet they think it's too late for her to get married.

Every society and culture has their own thought process about marriage, and sometimes those cultures make someone get married even when they don't want to. Here we fail to understand that every person's life journey is different. Everyone is moving on their own path with their own pace, so we shouldn't force someone to get married. It is one of the most important life decisions. Personal readiness matters more than social expectations.

We also fear being misunderstood. Our family misunderstands us, especially the youth feel that, and it's painful. When I say I don't want to marry, or I don't want to marry right now, they always misunderstand us. They create their own ideas in their mind: maybe I don't want to take responsibility, maybe I'm not ready for marriage, maybe I love someone and that's why I'm saying no.

They think I'm stubborn, I'm stupid. I don't know how to live life. I don't know what people do. I don't know what is good for my own life. They feel I am stupid. It's okay. It's okay if I'm stupid for them, but I am wise enough to take my own decisions for my own sake and for my peace of mind.

Peace of mind matters to me more than just trying to fulfill someone else's expectations.

Because I will be even more stupid if I follow everyone's instructions for my life and give the decision-making power of my life to somebody else. In that way, I am not living my own life. I'm living the life they want for me. I'm living life for someone else.

I don't want to be like that, at least for the most important thing in life, which is marriage.

The situation is the same everywhere, especially in Asian countries. Young adults feel the same pressure from their families. But I hope things will change, and families and society will not force someone to get married unnecessarily without their will.

They make the children's life worse by trapping them into marriage when they don't want to.

Many young adults face this dilemma, this internal conflict. I'm sharing my internal conflict here—what I feel about marriage and my life decisions.

I think it will take time for me to make them understand what I want and what I am thinking practically. Conversations will be difficult, but building life at the right pace is a better idea instead of getting married without thinking just because someone else wants me to get married.